One IT writer’s favorite technology jokes
Everybody enjoys a good laugh. It’s at least debatable whether any of the following jokes will result in a good laugh, or any other kind of laugh. On the other hand, if you already clicked on a link to this article, then you might as well read on. These are some of my favorite IT jokes.
Let’s start off with a classic:
There are 10 types of people in the world — those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Wait, wait, one more classic:
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That’s a hardware problem.
Here’s one with a long setup:
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “I’d like to start out making at least $250,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer says, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
Here’s one for all of the dads, granddads, and uncles out there:
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance — particularly in the Cuddle and Dance applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
First off, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command “! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html” and try to download Tears 6.2 — and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Favorite Foods 3.0 and Bedtime Surprise 7.7.
These are from my past life a software QA specialist:
Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
Q: What computer sings the best?
A: A Dell.
Q: What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
Q: How easy is it to count in binary?
A: It’s as easy as 01 10 11.
Q: What did the spider use its new computer for?
A: To make a website.
Q: What did the computer do at lunchtime?
A: Had a byte to eat!
Q: What should you do if your Nintendo game ends in a tie?
A: Ask for a Wii-match!
Q: What is the most commonly told lie of the 21st century?
A: “I have read and agree to all Terms and Conditions.”
Q: Why did the computer show up at work late?
A: It had a hard drive.
Q: Why was the smartphone wearing glasses?
A: It lost its contacts.
Here’s one for if you’re ever having the worst night of your life and you could use some solid advice:
Me: Siri, where is the best place to hide a body?
Siri: The second page of a Google search.
Let’s inject a little password humor:
I decided to make my password “incorrect.” That way, if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, “Your password is incorrect.”
Don’t use “beef stew” as a computer password. It’s not stroganoff.
Here are some jokes about everyone’s favorite smartphone feature:
We’ll we’ll we’ll … if it isn’t autocorrect.
I tried to say, “I’m a functional adult,” but my phone changed it to “fictional adult,” and I feel like that’s more accurate.
Thanks to autocorrect, 1 in 5 children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.
The guy who invented autocorrect for smart phones passed away today. Restaurant in piece.
Here’s a few from the “List of Rejected Submissions for Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts” category:
Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?!
Instagram is just Twitter for people who go outside.
The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
Why did Facebook pay $1 billion for Instagram? They could have just created an account for free.
A SEO couple had twins. It was the first time they’ve ever been happy with duplicated content.
This feels like the right place to pick on Java for a bit:
A: Because he didn’t Node how to Express himself
Q: Why do Java developers wear glasses?
A: Because they can’t C#.
“Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” [Very long pause] “Java.”
Before I go, let’s belly up to the bar:
Eight bytes walk into a bar, and the bartenders asks, “What will it be?”
One of them says, “Make us a double.”
Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”
The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu.”
“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says. “He isn’t null-terminated.”
Wait, wait, one more:
There’s a band called 1023MB. They haven’t had any gigs yet.
OK, I’ll show myself out.